Exhale

And I’m there. So the 10-week appt went well. 180 beats for the bean and growing just fine. The doc was talking about “being curved” and whatnot while doing the ultrasound and I was like “hey, is there a heart beat and is it okay???!!!” And she said “oh yeah everything is fine, just trying to get a good angle” – HELLO don’t they know. No they don’t. BUT the good news is my levels were 145K so I’m starting to level off – aka not so hormonal and I no longer have to have a shot of progesterone at night – woo hoo! They also “graduated” us to a real OB. I mean a real OB. Wow. I never planned for this day. It’s amazing. Anyway, the last few days I’ve started to feel better emotionally and physically. I’m really hungry most of the day but not so nauseous. I still can’t eat everything some times but to not feel woozie all day is progress. And did I mention a real OB appt!!!

We do have one more ultrasound later this month (around the 13-week mark) for screen of deformities. I hope all goes well there. But then it’s just grow baby grow. I’m not going to tell anyone from work, I think I’m just going to wait until someone asks – aka thinks I’m big enough to ask. I’m sure for now, the perception is I’m packin’ on those holiday pounds – ha! Or just maintaining my current puffery:)

We also told a couple of people, which is a big deal. I told my two best friends and the huzz has one best friend who knows. I think we will send out announcement cards at the beginning of January. Something we can do together to celebrate and enjoy being pregnant. We also talked briefly about the nursery and wanting to find out the sex of the baby. I mean this is the real deal. Pray the next 30 weeks goes well – cause we need it!

Avoiding

So I’ve been avoiding writing anything because I just feel uncomfortable about talking about it. Ya know “it.” It consumes my every moment but yet, I’m afraid if I say it out loud and something happens again that it will be MORE devastating. I went through some panic last week with the ickies subsiding and instead I felt like I had a tape worm (not that I’ve had one so I’m only assuming). I couldn’t eat enough and my breasts didn’t hurt as much. So I thought for sure it’s dooms day. But then slowly I’ve begun to feel ick again. So tomorrow is the 10-week appt and I just hope all is well with the bean. I pray all is well. We need it to be okay. I’m exhausted.

Sheer panic

And unless you’ve had a pregnancy/miscarriage where you feel pregnant until the day you go in for your 8-week ultrasound to hear that there is no heart beat then you won’t understand the sheer panic I felt on Monday night. We had our 8-week scheduled for Tuesday morning and although I felt ick Monday at dinner by the time I went to bed, I didn’t have tender breasts or seem to feel ick. I was convinced, CONVINCED that it happened again.

I was up most of the night, even had a bowl of cereal at 4 a.m. I almost hyperventilated on the way to the doctor. I spent the first part of the ultrasound with a scarf over my face – at least this time they didn’t make us wait but a few seconds in the room. Once the woman started measuring things I said “is there a heart beat” – Yes. Whew. Then we heard the heart beat and if I hadn’t been such a wreck I might have enjoyed it. But I do remember it. The steady sound of 188 beats per minute. So she says the measurement and heart beat are normal. Another whew.

It took me a good two hours to calm myself. I’m still not ready to tell people. I need the 10 week okay and then we’ll see. I pray for a good 10 weeks…so anyway, now that I’m back to just being pregnant, life is about the same. Woozy, tired and 2 week waiting.

Tomorrow morning

Is another possible milestone in this very bizarre pregnancy. When I say bizarre, I just mean we haven’t really accepted it and it’s still very surreal that we are pregnant via IVF – weird. Anyway, we’re officially 8 weeks today and tomorrow we go in for our ultrasound. We are terrified. This is the stage we were at last time and the baby’s heart had stopped beating. 8wk3days. So I’m also a little frightened that there will be a heartbeat but it can still go awry at any time. Honestly, until Dec. 22 – I am going to be a wreck.

I’ve felt pretty crummy day in and out. Really woozy as I like to put it. Funny thing – Coke seems to help ease my wooziness. Too bad it’s packed full of sugar and caffeine. So I have purchased some caffeine-free Coke and we’ll see if that help. I also don’t drink a whole can just half and that seems to do the trick. I’m definitely expanded past my pant waist line so now the use of hair ties and maternity pants are in full swing. Anyway, I hope tomorrow goes well and the bean is progressing nicely…otherwise…I can’t even imagine…

Mixed up

Just ordered a couple of pairs of maternity pants, hope I have a long-term reason to wear them. I couldn’t fit into the pants I tried to rig the zipper up this a.m. so I’m wearing a pair of suit pants that aren’t all that comfortable so…it’s no time to be uncomfortable when I have that woozy feeling pretty much constantly. But its a welcome feeling since it means the bean is growing. I also parked in one of those “Reserved for expectant mothers….” stalls that other day at the store. I hadn’t taken advantage of that privilege with the last pregnancy so I figure I better this time. Things at home have been a bit shaky. I think were both on pins and needles at all times and with me still trying to finish school and being tired and woozy all the time – it’s not helping. Plus the huzz is burnt out at the new job so all in all we are crabby. I hope once we make it through week 8, things will settle a bit. I hope. I don’t like it this way.

One more day

Every day I feel a little woozy but nothing too bad. I know that morning sickness is a good sign so I welcome it…but dread it. I have this metally taste some times and this morning when I got to work, I actually felt like I could barf but quickly ran and got a muffin to subside the need. I think with all the eating and drinking of mostly good things, I’ve been able to help the bean grow while not becoming too nauseous. I am still VERY tired. I need to sleep when I get home from work and then again throughout the night. I need LLLOOONNNGGG naps on the weekend – both days and I’m sure the huzz is a little tired of me being tired but the book says to sleep when you are sleepy – so I am. Nothing for granted this time around. I’m so thankful it’s Friday because I’m tired, semi-woozy and rambling…

Holding my breathe

That’s what it feels like every single day. I’m holding my breath. Life is on hold and I can’t get it moved forward fast enough to feel “safe”. I know it’s causing ripples in the marriage and my own sanity. I need to find a way to deal. I really hope once school is done for the quarter, that I will be a bit more relaxed. But that’s still two weeks away! And my life is two weeks at a time for the past year and it’s been awful and stressful and no fun. I wish I could just be happy and shout it from the roof tops but it’s not simple. At least not in my mind. SO…next on the list, is to go back and find my -ing over the weekend. Maybe if I can circle back to what I found solace in this summer, it will help me reconnect with myself and be okay – at least somewhat sane. This ranting and raving is not me and I hate it. Two weeks…two weeks and then NO MORE EXCUSES.

Settling a bit

So after my traumatic morning (and it IS traumatic), I have settled down a bit. I received a call that all my numbers are good…18,500ish for the pregs levels so that means it’s rising like it should. I am not feeling any queasiness but I am exhausted – mostly because I didn’t sleep well at all last night. I was tossing and turning all night. Now if we can make it past the 8 week mark and then the 10 and then the 12…okay one step at a time…if we can make it to the 8 week and HEAR the heart beat, I will feel 1000 times better, I just know it. Things can still happen, I know. I know. But if we can get farther than last time – I feel like that’s the key to my sanity. Cause right now I am moody – mostly impatient – with my two favorite people – the dog and the huzz…I hope its hormones going strong…

Terrified

Is the only way I can encompass what I’m going through. It doesn’t help that I am bogged down with school and work is ick (just bugging) me these days. I need to just crawl in a whole, make it through the first trimester and then breathe. I am eating fairly well, avoiding all things toxic, receiving accupunture…there isn’t any more that I can do but I’m just plain terrified that what happened last time, will happen again this time. Any morning I wake up and something doesn’t hurt or I don’t feel a bit weesy, I’m convinced it’s dooms-day. Today was our six-week ultrasound and there was one bean (whew – I was stressing about twins). And it did have a heart beat…now I’m waiting to hear how my levels are. They said “oh your levels are good” but they were good last time and the baby stopped developing so – I’m not convinced that means squat. I didn’t even look at the ultrasound photo. I gave it to the huzz and walked away. This is too stressful. I need to find some salvation…when schools over, I think that will help tons. I’m just not in the frame of mind to have enough capacity to worry about that on top of this.

Which is worse

The two-week wait to find out if fertility treatments work or the two weeks in between blood work and ultrasound appt to tell you if everything is still progressing. I woke up this morning and felt “normal”. Which scares the crap out of me because I should feel ick, boobs hurt, crazy dreams, etc. like I have the past week or so. We go to the doc on Monday for the 6 week ultrasound and I am just praying everything is okay. There is not one thing we can do – if the bean is going to grow it’s going to grow…I am trying to eat better to help the cause and am still seeing the acupuncturist. I just hope everything is okay on Monday…but I’m very paranoid and worried.