From 90 to 206

That was the difference in hcg (I think) levels so the confirmation of the bean still growing has been solidified. We’re still scared to death that “something” may happen. I’m trying to eat better this time and give the cell division a real chance. Next step is a 6 week ultrasound and bloodwork – again to confirm growth and confirm how many beans. There is a chance of two – although I don’t feel funny now nor do my levels seem insanely high…so I’m predicting one.

More to come later.

The list will have to wait

And I should note the lack of enthusiasm as I write this. So the past week we’ve been waiting – barf. And each day I have “oh no cramps” “oh my boobs hurt” “oh no they don’t” yada yada yada – drive you nuts. I really didn’t feel one thing that was “noticeable pregnant (note to self)” so don’t try to determine symptoms. Anyway, went to the doc this a.m. for a nice blood draw and pee test. The huzz was running late so I asked the lady to not tell us the results of the pee test until he arrived (that sucked). Anyway, he finally showed up, she called us back and to our very, very, very much surprise there was a nice big pink line – pregs, again. But all I could think of was another miscarriage. So I’m kind of panicked and paranoid…I’ve promised to feed myself properly this time and to help the cells divide. We will get our blood results this afternoon (which could still lead to icky news) and then back Wed for a second draw to determine if we’re progressing. God help us this time…

Slammed busy – not optimistic

Had retrieval a week ago. And I have to say this time she really pumped me full of drugs. They felt like they could get five follicles…maybe six. I felt like I was going to puke for the three to four days leading up to the retrieval from all the drugs. I’m also TIRED of the shots – I use to not mind but now I’m D-O-N-E. Anyway, the retrieval was fine. They took out five and were able to get five eggs from within – progress. Two eggs were abnormal so they ICSI’d three. One divided abnormally – of course – so then there were two. Every day you wait for a call to say…yes, they are still dividing in a progressive, healthy direction – it’s just a crazy way to live. So finally we got to okay to transfer the two embryos (yep – they made it that far). They got 3 and 3-4 for their grades. 1 is the best, 5 is the worst and most embryos are 2-3. So I like to think we got a C and a C- and well as the saying goes C’s get degrees so maybe C’s get babies…ha! Anyway, I had best rest for 24 hours which was filled with vallum the entire time…yum. I will have to write about the actual retrieval day and transfer day as some funny and interested things occurred. So now we wait for 10 days before a blood test. I did have my levels drop the other day so they’ve increased my progesterone oil injection dosage to “be cautious” – whatever. I feel like it’s not the time and I’m over this trying part of my life…anyway, come Monday I have a list of “devastation buys”:

- new UGGS

- new black boots

- new pants

- fresh haircut AND color

- bottle of wine

30 days later…

I knew I hadn’t posted in a while but 30 days – wow! So obviously life’s busy…but with what. School – yep. Work – eh, yah and…another IVF retrieval in two days. I’ll spare everyone the details of “Went to the doctor today…” but the long and short is we have six follicles to retrieve – five really nice ones and a sixth that she’ll take out to see if it matures on it’s own spontaneously. Now we still have a thousand more steps before implantation like the five follicles have the have eggs in them. They need to divide and grow properly. They need to go back inside and implant in me. And they need to continue growing for nine months. And when I say they, it may just be one egg but we won’t know anything until later this week. Geez. It truly is one day at a time. I can’t plan for squat. My levels are better this time around and my liner is thicker. I have felt quisy for three of four days – all the drugs – but I keep thinking about the big picture. So now I have to go because I’ve got mountains of homework!!! I pray for success this time.

Busy and I MEAN busy

Did I mention I’m in school full-time and working full-time AND am taking online classes in SCIENCE – HELLO! Want to talk about making something of my life – I am! For the first time in a while I feel pretty settled and secure in my direction. I still have to put in a long day of advertising but at the end of the day, I know when I’m reading chemistry formulas or writing papers on the environment, that I’m working toward something bigger and better. Or at least different and better. I don’t need bigger, I need more life rewarding. So, I’m trying and that’s all I can do. So where does this put the kid thing – well, it’s probably taking the place of all that consumption. If I can’t control having a kid, then darn it, I can control where I will be 10 years from now. We’ve tried having kids for 2 1/2 years – yowzers – and were not formally giving up but I am trying to find a balance and come to a reality that it may never happen, it may never happen. That’s right – kid-free, parents for one-month. We had hope and that may be as sweet as our parental path gets. And that’s okay, sometimes. Other times it’s hard but I’m not a dweller or someone who waits around any more. Life is life and I can find strength and love all around, you just have to have your eyes and heart opened for it:)

We will go in for another IVF try in October so they’ll be more posts (I hope) but I’m not consumed by the “should we be…” “what about…” thoughts that go with all of that.

Break, new things

Clearly I’ve been lack in posting on a regular basis and it’s gonna get worse. I start back to school tomorrow – yikes! But exciting. I know I don’t want to be in advertising for the rest of my life so time to move on. I’m going to take a chance at finding a career in nursing. I’ve never been very good at science but in order to get a degree in nursing you must have tons and tons and tons of science. So I’m taking the plunge and am going to try biology and chemistry this semester AND to add more to the work load I am going to take them online – double yikes! I will have in class labs on Wednesday nights and Saturday mornings. So spare time that I have see ya later, nice knowing ya doggie and the huzz, well – see ya round. Seriously, this could get ugly but I’m going to try.

Onto IVF - we were going to try this month (aka this week start shots and what not) but the drugs from overseas got rerouted back to Great Britain for an “insufficient address” so we’re taking it as a sign to try again next month. I was worried about starting school, working and IVF all at the same time so now I don’t have to worry about IVF until October – whew! And last time October brought us a baby so…we shall see. If this doesn’t work, I’m done for some time.

IVF procedure part I

So I never recapped our IVF retrieval process and I think it’s something to remember for the book:) So we go through 8ish days of shots, ultrasounds and bloodwork (aka 2k) and then it’s time for the retrieval day. I was thrilled that it was happening on a Sunday (no time off from work so no one needs to know). We show up at 7 a.m. and go to the old labor and delivery floor (which I think is completely ironic since we’re clearly the farthest thing from that) and we get admitted to a labor and delivery room. We talk a little amongst ourselves and small talk with the nurses (side note: my fav ? from the nurse “so why are you doing IVF? I mean what’s your diagnosis – anything? – UM HELLO – we wouldn’t be here going through this bullsh*t, paying 10s of thousands of $$s, if we could conceive on our own. Who cares about the diagnosis – hold my hand and let’s talk about how this is going to work!) So…I get hooked up to an IV and get on a gown. More waiting. Huzz is so supportive and hanging out. What a helpless position to be put in. Once the doctor is ready we make our way back to an OR room (oh and it’s about 2 hours later – lots of waiting). The have me kiss the huzz goodbye and walk me into this dark OR (follicles don’t like light – duh). Once there, I put my legs into some contraptions and let the world (two docs and two nurses, I think) see my vajaja. Then, I’m out and next thing you know I’m back in the recovery room waking up. They take me back to the labor and delivery room where I meet my huzz, get dressed and we are sent home. That night we start progestogen shots. The next day we stop cause the follicles sucked. The end…until next time.

Side note: I’m 99% sure after this time of IVF we will take a huge break. We are broke, exhausted and I do wonder if some time off won’t stimulate us to conceive on our own. If it works great, if not, we know we tried. Then we become world travelers or humanitarians…or rock stars…ya just never know.

The RE says…

I think it was a bad cycle. Okay so…a bad cycle. I’ll spare anyone the details of how back and forth I’ve been the past month and say we’ve decided to try IVF one more time. If the levels are the same as last time (which apparently on paper are good/okay/average) then we have the choice to cancel or proceed. Ultimately she wants better numbers than last time. What a crazy time…work is busy, huzz at the new job is busy, starting school next week to go back for a nursing degree (yeah – I’m completely intimidated by this but know I want to do something else for the next 30 years), and getting ready for another IVF cycle. What am I thinking!!!!!!!!!! Okay, enough. We’re going to try again and if that doesn’t work then we are going to re-evaluate our options (aka – donor eggs – aka – $16k yikes!) I am taking everything one day at a time and trying to appreciate what we have and what I can and can’t control.

Blah

In a bad, bad, bad mood and annoyed with the huzz. Usually you wouldn’t hear my openly talk about my irks with the huzz cause they aren’t ever that big of deal – even this one will work itself out but…my quick rant – he wasn’t going to go to the doctor on Tuesday – hello! I don’t give two shakes if we try again or not – I don’t know any different about having kids vs. not having kids sooooo….if you think this is a one man show than ya better check the marriage certificate cause it’s not. I understand that he started a new job 6 or so weeks ago but he makes his schedule and can certainly find someone to cover for an hour. My biggest irk is that he didn’t even try just kind of “oops I have to work”  – can’t someone cover you. I don’t know. WHAT THE F***. So he did make some calls and is going but only after I had to be a bizzo. Again having to manage everything. For once I’d like someone to co-manage with me. Hello – marriage – two people – decisions together – all that bullsh*t. Thank you for listening.

Nervous and waffling

Each day brings a new challenge. Do we try again? Do we move on? Do we take a break? Do we accept what is? Do we hold out hope? It’s crazy and life consuming. We’ve tried to move on but I feel like every time we get with friends we have this big elephant in the room. They so want us to have kids but we can’t and so our lives are different and it’s hard to have the same things to talk about when their consumed by having kids and we’re consumed by not having kids.

We meet with the doctor next week to discuss our results and next steps and I am really nervous. She’s going to give us medical information and advise and from there it’s again up to us to determine what we want to do. How badly do we want to try? I have some questions in my head that I really need to get down on paper so I don’t forget all that I want to ask.

So every day is a struggle when you have this limbo but I am also very thankful for every day.